Just a note

Manisha,

Holy hell. How have we kept this train on the track! I want to thank you for all of your incredible help, guidance, energy, and time on this journey we embarked together. Throughout the program you and Gunjan have inspired me with your generosity with time and money. You two have really shown me what it means to bring people together with true inclusivity. I know that we will take all of our fiery spirit and change this broken system of the class gift. I know we both believe in it and I am so gracious for your very significant gift to let other classes get close to the same experience we have had throughout this program. I am so excited we have gotten this opportunity to work together, I know it is solidifying our personal and professional relationship for the future!

Thanks,

 

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Quantum Physics

A chemical reaction, or Quantum Physics
An attraction, or merely a belief?
Reality
or Perception it is?

Vanity
Deep Sorrow
Endless hope
or Life it is?

Music it is,
Conversation it is,
Subtle nod it is,
The ocean wave it is.

Clarity, confusion, stress and relief it is

Walk it is,
a talk it is;
Silence it is
and its voice it is

A sign it is

I wonder
If my right it is.

The Search

It happened again.

There I was laughing, listening, talking to you;
teasing,
admiring,
just being with you.

Why then
can I not see you?

Tired I am,
of this constant search.
Tired are my eyes.

it’s time,
we both rest.

But then,
the moment I close my eyes,
I see you again,
silently smiling

hiding in my own heart.

Full Circle?

Helped a friend draw closure on a 20 year long mystic making of the heart.

I hoped to find solace
for I wasn’t a culprit any more,
in his eyes
or in mine.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be!

I see now a new smile,
a new face,
commanding the same respect.

The same mystic makings of the heart,
causing the same pain.

Only this time,
I am the conscious victim.

Perhaps seeking redemption,
for the unconscious culprit I had been.

Full Circle.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

Hope you are doing well. I just woke up from a sad dream under the influence of high fever …saw you in my dreams again and in my numbness am writing to you. Hopefully this will make some sense.

I know you are hurt somewhere…its been years since we talked. I understand I may have given you a reason or two to be angry with me. Though in spite of thinking hard over the years, I, in my ignorance fail to realize any huge mistakes I made knowingly that could have taken you so far away from me.

I don’t know …if it involves the doing of others, I don’t know if it is things I said. What ever it is, it just doesn’t feel fair. To you or to me. Cause it hurts bad….

All I know, is that I imagine us fighting some day, you scolding me or me teasing you. I imagine we are friends again.

All I have learnt, is that we grow with our experiences, with every joy we cherish, every memory we preserve and every suffering we prevail. I have grown up since.….perhaps we can talk?.

All I want, is that you be with me when I am on my death bed and for that to happen I have to start trying again now. This is take three and I am trying again.

Will you help me?
Love
Your friend (hopefully)

If you have to ask

Such a wonderful way to say the heart knows more than the brain does 🙂
If you have to ask, you will never know
If you know it, you need only ask.

What really matters

Like most in our generation I am pretty guilty of being utterly confused and unclear about what I really want from life. It might have something to do with the major personality flaw I am sure I suffer with … when alone the simplest of things give me immense joy. But the moment I see my kids their well being gets translated into bank balance and haunts me, doing an almost good job of toppling all definitions of happiness. Until recently while meeting an old friend after ages I was reminded yet again that nothing warms the soul like meeting old friends. Rejuvenated I scribbled a couple of lines to capture the warmth I felt deep within.

वक्त की मोहताज़ होती नहीं है ज़िन्दगी
हर लम्हे से गर बूझ लो उस पल की ख़ुशी का राज़

Haq

Something amazing happened in the last few days and inspired me to write this mail…

Lots is going on at work lately, so I was planning to postpone my biz trip.

Then a friend messaged me “Don’t cancel your trip. I need a  therapeutic meeting with my angelic muse friend. All I want is a coffee face to face.”

Then Jullie emailed me “aa gayi to teri shamat maaf nahin to tu dekh :-)”

and a few more loved ones followed…

The amazing thing is neither of them came across as selfish, infact their demands and their vulnerability made their affectionate love crystal clear. IItne haq se koi tabhi mang sakta hai jab koi dil se tumko apna manne.  Anyways i had to figure out a way to make this trip happen.

I expected myself to be rather excited. However I feel an emptiness.  Feels like a building of potentially huge architectural excellence is shaking because it’s foundation is missing.

We once built a bridge together with hands which sustained the emptiness through the wee hours of the morning. I need that bridge again… hopefully it will answer a few unsolved questions.

You got this started …now you figure out a way to come for a day for old times sake. I don’t buy the story that its not practical… If you will it, it will happen.  Whatever we prioritize becomes practical.

Have you realized you tend to choose the escape route every time. If the conviction is missing at your end, say it upfront and relieve me from the tyranny I live in. But if there is conviction, have the balls to confront it head on.

Ek saali zindagi hai…usko to jee bhar ke jee lain….

Sorry for being a drama queen…my brain only works at work. WIth close friends, the heart completely takes over.

– M

“The question is not how we can achieve our dreams. The question is who will stop us”

—————————

Please read this in a positive spirit. Mera to aaj ka horoscope bhi perfect hai “Your spirits are high, but others might take your attitude as somewhat belligerent. Try to make sure that they see the real you. Conflict is inevitable when you’re so iron-willed.”

Equality or Balance ?

A friend asked me recently if I believe in “Equality or balance!”
“Balance” I immediately answered back.
But found myself pondering about his question for days and scribbled something on a piece of paper. Don’t think I have the complete answer yet. For whatever its worth here is what I wrote. “It’s intellectually stimulating to hang out with equals …intellect needs it to quench the thirst within us. Life however needs balance… demanding us to associate with people who aren’t necessarily equals but capable of filling each other’s gaps …though leaving us thirsty. Life….what a game !”

Integrity is my biggest sin

Kids had gone to bed.

She was in solitude.

She tried to sleep but couldn’t or maybe she wouldn’t. Her heart sensed the pain growing within, as her brain gave form to emotions she had been trying to ignore. Her free spirit was at crossroads with Mr. practical brain yet again!

The soul was warming up and the body excited. How long could the brain defend? She had to give in to the freeness of her spirits…

She wanted to talk to him.

She craved to hear him say what she already knew. She closed her eyes to see his face clearly, to see his eyes smiling at her, his lips whispering in her ears and his arms holding her delicately like a petal, he wanted to safeguard from the bruise of his gentle touch.

She tried calming down with a glass of wine, and then some music. Nothing helped. She had to hear his voice. She loved to meet passionate spirits, strong headed fighters who dared to fight for their existence. Who wouldn’t sell their soul. To be in love with one felt special! It warmed her soul. She felt the fierce need to reconnect. She had to reconnect.

The conscious ego would not let her call or text, and the anticipation would not let her sleep or rest. The turmoil was on….

The phone rang.

It was he. As if telepathy had just worked.

“Hello” said the voice

No please don’t say another word. I know it’s you…. just breathe and let the silence speak. Let me feel your touch…let me smell your fragrance…let me see that smile that that twinkles in your eye” Her spirit echoed. A chill went down her spine. Eyes refused to stay awake. Ears heard all that he never had said. “Hello” said she. “What a pleasant surprise!”

“Hello good to hear your voice again. Can I call you in a few minutes if you will be still awake” he asked.

“Of course” she heard her own voice.

Could he read minds? Could he read one now? Could he hear her heart scream? I need you. I need you know you are in me and me in you. You are my creation…my imagination…mine. Wait …how then can you be the one on the phone?

If you are real indeed, who in the world am I?

Her spirit was free and fierce …but she was shy too.  She beamed with shameless courage, but was scared for the ones she loved too. She yearned for him but wouldn’t show…

“We cannot selfishly live only for ourselves” she had read and heard often. “Integrity is the biggest virtue”

Integrity.

Human Psychology is intriguing. Seems quite difficult to understand, much more difficult to accept, and even more to live it.  I have the strength to accept it but I lack the courage to live it.

I can feel the connection I have with him, why then should there be shame in being with him? I love my present. I would happily die even kill for them.  Living is different though. My soul, my passion, my integrity to myself is what makes me…. me.

I love myself and my heart loves many…. Should there be a shame in being the soul I am? Can I really lie to myself? I try but I can’t. After all “Integrity” is the biggest virtue!

She woke up. Her phone in her hand and a missed text “Sleep well”

She smiled and texted “Thx why didn’t you call? I had a good nap”

“I knew you have slept. Didn’t want to wake you up”.

“Can you read minds? Can you read one now?”

“No. What’s on your mind?”

“It’s for you to find out……….”

A subtle smile escaped her lips when her eyes glanced on the horoscope that morning ”Someone from your past may return soon, bearing an offer that seems too good to refuse. You can’t believe it, but try. Take a chance and go for it. Yes! This is really happening.”

Integrity to my own self is my biggest virtue…perhaps my biggest sin.